Thursday, March 15, 2012


this morning you woke up to greet your bubbley-world through 50 year old eyes.
well my man you are about 2 years behind my power curve, but fear not!
i have some positive thoughts that should ease your mind; besides, i'm pretty sure you've been 50 for a while already.
1. you are already bald - you have arrived at 50 way ahead of your follically-challenged brethren. now, the only obvious question that remains is - does the attic match the basement?

2. you have already mastered grey - ok, for men this is no biggie. im sorry, but society has been weirdly conditioned to accept the idea that men can have a 'touch of grey', while women will do all sorts of toxic things to their heads to get rid of it.
**in this particular case, it would be perfectly appropriate to ask if the carpet matches the drapes. to coin a poker term, this is a HUGE tell.

3. you already get away with saying some pretty bat-shit crazy stuff- i must cite your recent guano-dropping, "voter id laws are only meant to suppress the black and/or obama inclined voter."
admittedly, it is difficult to acknowledge the benefits of the other side of 50, but this is clearly one of them.

old people say crazy shit all the time, while younger people pat them on the head and send them on their aarp way.

4. and speaking of aarp- you will receive your membership application any day now. ok, brace yourself. this particular piece of mail was the very first real moment i actually had to acknowledge i was 50 freakin' years old. after 3 minutes of absolutely pathetic blubbering i was over it.
plus, you get great discounts for shit and we non-bubble dwellers need all the discounted shit we can get.
look michael!! barrack loves the card!!!

5. you already dress like a 50 year old- but you want MORE khaki?
while i would never ever judge your character and i would give every effort not to make assumptions based on your attirepreppyasfuck, i will say this: you might consider loosening it up in that department.
i predict tho, your khaki fetish will last about as long as '50 shades of grey' lasts on a bookshelf. 
greg- yes/ you-never

6. you've already experienced pre-alzheimer's moments- barrack obama '08 and there is nothing else to say.

all in all mr. smerconish, as you begin your 1st day of 50, i hope you do so with anticipation and excitement.

when i turned 50, there was no dread. but, there was fear, and this is important : there is some "thing" about the 50th birthday that alerts us to our impending death, and the only thing i fear more than snakes, is death.
when i let go of old attitudes, old behaviors, old defenses and excuses, (notice use of the word, old) i began really, really living. i was old but new, and it has thus far been the most fulfilling 2 years of my life.
keep your heart, your mind, and you ideas open. it all works out as it should.
this is your half-time, mr. smerconish.
finish your game with wisdom and peace )

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