the week in vaginas and smerconish

guess the day i posted vagina, go on, guess

at the conclusion of one week's worth of posts, google analytics have proven what everyone on earth already knows:
men love vagina.
now, i could be getting just as many female hits; however, get the fuck real- the word vagina is to a post title as danica patrick is to the nascar.
hot hot hot.
it's a win win and from now on, i may have to refer to the cooter in every possible way in every post title, henceforth. 

it's saturday and i am now going to introduce you to:

cmk saturday wrap up:

as word of e.l. james', '50 shades of grey', spread like a whore's ankles, women all over america flocked to bookstores requesting a copy of what was being touted as, "the steamiest, sexiest work of raunchy fiction since, well, ever." 

and i use "requested" lightly. 

i remember faces, too

they flocked like the birds in hitchcocks', 'birds' flocked and left some booksellers feeling if they just got their eyeballs pecked out by a buncha really horny angry birds.

some ladies almost cried.
and some ladies, mostly the sweet, lil' old ones, needed to be warned, "oh. i don't think this is what you think it is. it's not really romance. like, this would make jackie collins look like a children's author."
or, "there are "things" involved; you know, like, um, (whispers) handcuffs and stuff." winks.
random house finally reprinted the book; the female literary libido could be satiated among whatever else those lady-perverts do, and i would no longer have to explain or discuss bondage, discipline, or s&m to one more blue-haired old woman.

smerc goes to boston this week to attend that chris matthews jfk book/movie thing. an excerpt from a poem i wrote on https://www.facebook.com/smerconish :

for only a man like jfk
has para mores to this very day-
who in their golden years of life
claim, "i fucked him too! not just his wife!"

chris needs to let this go. 

besides, caroline kennedy is putting out 83 kennedy book per year already. please. 

stop.

arlen "the turtle" specter poked his curmudgeon little head out of his shell and promoted his new book, 'life among the cannibals: a political career, a tea party, uprising, and the end of government as we know it'.

are you effing kidding me? that is 20 words long!

and of all people to have the worlds longest title in the history of longest rambling titles, it would be specter. it took 30 seconds of airtime for him to spit the damned thing out.
1. i cannot wait to have to enter this title into a title search at work.

2. and, i just might consider whether i will even do a title search if mr. specter continues to announce, "you can buy my book at that evil internet place that rhymes with schmamazon..." first.

bookstores employ real people from your district. you should be ashamed, mr. specter.

but please say missourah, more often. i do love that; so huck finn of ya.

lastly, the vagina has been replaced as the gop platform now focuses on, that's right, you guessed it:

one of my personal favorites

yes, that. 
msnbc said the word etch-a-sketch 1,438 times friday, replacing  former record holder, cooter rights.

the ohio art co., maker of the etch-a-sketch, says the 1960's era toy is flying off the shelf!
i thought buddy elf made the etch-a-sketch?
that being said, i wonder if viagra sales went up, up, up during all the federal vagina wrangling.

that is it for the week.
this blogger will see you monday.
tomorrow i rest )
cmk

love

philly 3/26/2012

let's go!
msg. me on fb.

www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/20120323_Million_Hoodie_March_set_for_Philadelphia_tonight.html

sharpton, heathers, and hoodies

above all else, my heart breaks for the parents of trayvon martin. so far, the only absolute truth i can accept is, there is no more unimaginable pain or grief than the loss of your child. period.
i am inexpressibly sorry.
al, i hope you will find comfort and solace from those you love during this difficult moment. i am sorry for the loss of your beloved mom.
but i still do not like you, and you should have never stolen her blueberry pie.
ok. now i rant.

a disclaimer-
i will not:
i will not replay events that occurred 3 weeks ago in sanford, fla.
nor will i render my opinion on events that occurred 3 weeks ago in sanford, fla.
i have a modest legal background, and aside from a few obvious cases that i followed like it was crack, i have finally learned to hold off on judging the guilt or innocence of a defendant, pretrial.
this is not to mean i won't offer opinions, oh no....
i have so many opinions, the dvsm suggests i'm a hoarder.
i reject such nonsense, and the bitching commences.

3/22/2012

i joined the https://www.facebook.com/MorningJoe chat thread bright and early as usual.
it is my personal car wreck and i just can't look away.
as news of the trayvon martin death spread, the last several days focused less on the gop clusterfuck, and more on the events surrounding the death of this young man.

joe opened the show from his home state of florida, and the first 30 minutes of programming was devoted to this story.

fb's mj chat thread was on fire with opinions, and as opinions go these were far, far, did i say far different than the usual attack, attack, attack behavior. i do believe this is when ann franks' "good" comes out in people as we tone tempers and attempt to tap into verbalizing our "feelings" rather than beat the shit out of each other with our opinions.

it struck me the number of white people who kept pointing out their whiteness when expressing their sorrow in a way that suggests it is somehow odd for a white person to have sorrow over the death of a young, black man.
 

im old, i'm white, and i care

there were petitions to be signed coordinated by posters who less than 72 hours prior, said to another poster:

ms. links-a-lot: m.s. (a fellow mj poster) would vote for bozo the clown if he was white!
now i am all for the freedom to express yourself, but good gawd how do you say something like THAT and 3 days later start a petition about racial injustice? 

but ms. links-a-lot is also an old white woman in delaware.

from another poster whose name i deleted because i am "fair" to newbies:
name deleted: Don't let up on the Trayvon Martin coverage. People need to know the truth & his family deserves justice. With live from another white middle aged woman in upstate NY.
3 hours ago · Like · 4
to which i reply:
Cat Kerr "newbie"- as if it is weird a white woman would care about this? why mention your race in that post?
3 hours ago · Like · 1
Cat Kerr should you get extra props bc you're a white lady who says you care about a black kid?
why not, i care!

i had pretty much secured my position in the mj shitter for another day after that comment.
which is fine. 

mom! cat's in the toilet again.

i do bring these situations on myself by expressing strong opinions. so a'ight, if you wanna roll, then baby i will verbally roll your ass into a little ball and kick you to the curb; albeit, in the kindest, gentlest way possible because i am zen and you are SO not.white people say the right things when they have to. especially in public, and even MORE especially on a chat thread where they will NEVER be accountable for one damned real thing.

GIVE ME A PEN! I CARE!

white people sign petitions, join in for a little outrage, donate a few bucks, talk about legislating some new shit to protect minorites, and enjoy long walks on the beach. but when it comes right down to it, white people don't get messy about it.

black people march. they dodge bullets. they get arrested and spend time in jail-
and NOT "occupy jail" where you pretend you just got stoned at woodstock, burned a flag, and spent the night in the pokey with the po po.  
unh uh, black people go to REAL jail where it's hard to get out.
they yell and scream and demand equal protection, representation, and freedom under the same constitution that provides the aforementioned for my old, white lady ass.


let this be a lesson to those who start petitions.
next time, get up off your ass and actually go DO something about something.
 
hypocrisy at the expense of a young black man, disgusts me. 
and ANYONE who uses  another family's tragedy as an excuse to promote a personal agenda of any kind will be called on it.
this is your opportunity to evolve.
do it.
cm

kind hands have room for everyone

p.s. and i know this is super hard to believe, but, bozo THE clown is not on this ticket.

bubbles are for baths, not hoods

if this resembles your cd collection, you could be a hoarder

mr. smerconish-
it is not important when you arrive to the party, just arrive.
and here you are!
a&e added  'hoarders' to its' network of dysfunction on august 17, 2009.
just in time, too. 

crystal meth doesn't play well with teef

our fascination with mommies huffing spray paint, or boyfriends' selling blow-jobs-for-crack was beginning to wane.
maybe it's just me, but when i see an ass-balloon of heroin burst wide open inside a dude's rectum more than 2 or 3 times, all emergency rooms begin to look the same.
and IF, after 152+ episodes of "hey! surprise! this is really an intervention!" some dude approaches me and asks if i would like to be in a documentary about addiction, i am hauling ass the other way.

"no fuckin' way! you guys are from intervention?"

what better way to jar us from addict-complacency than a glimpse into the lives of the most severely, dysfunctional house dwellers on the face of this wonderful, freakin' planet?

as a matter of fact, it's 9 p.m. in philadelphia and courtney the heroin addict, has made her family miserable. she has a dog named ginger, who i know often wonders in her little puppy head " are you shitting me? of all the humans to stroll through the shelter, i get the one still falling for the "addict-documentary" line. this sucks."
 

but hoarders is a forensic entomologist's dream! maggots and larvae dining on a family cat everyone thought ran away 8 years ago.
wpht technical producer, greg stocker, gave the best explanation for the success of show like 'hoarders', "it's like watching a car wreck." best wreck ever!


those of us with the great fortune of existing outside the main line bubble, have more time on our hands to wrench our necks to gawk at other people's misfortune. and sometimes, it makes us feel just a better about our lives because we realize we could always be "that person."

main line bubblers are just too damned busy. 
you guys are always on the move; fulfilling brand spankin' new upper class obligations with neither the time nor inclination to pay any mind to such things that exist beyond the main liners' zip code. 
and i'm guessing there aren't many hoarders in your neighborhood like the ones you're going to meet on the real 'hoarders'.
y'all hoard totally different stuff.
but i won't judge.

i'm going to let charles murray do the judging, and he says (i paraphrase) "if you live in a bubble, you are gonna miss out on some good shit."

like hoarders, and nascar, and bonnaroo.

now, i can put together a pretty snappy outfit and go to the phila. museum of art one afternoon and no one would ever know i was in the wrong bubble.
on any given friday night, i can head to south street in clothes i bought at the salvation army and listen to my oldest son's band, 20 days in (no plug shame, here) and the only thing about me that MAY draw attention is my against-old-lady-rules silver hair which is apparently, way too long  and the 51 years i wear on my face.

old, pretty bald, wears jeans

on the other hand, let's say a member of your bubble went to the susquehanna bank center to see dave matthews band .
first off, since you refuse to wear jeans, the khakis scream- "I DON'T LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR HERE AND THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE, IS THAT FELLOW UP THERE."
and i know you would wear some leathery, loafery things without socks. i have nothing else to say about that.
and the "my purse has a name" thing doesn't fly either.
 
my fellow bubblers and i learn to adapt. we are like fantastic, fun chameleons. we dare switch up our colors and go where we wanna go.
i highly, highly recommend y'all pop a little hole in yours, and dare venture and see all that you're missing.
like snookie and blue jeans and a thug in a cocktail dress! 
you are not living until you see this stuff.
and charles murray even says so! 

wouldn't it be cool if we could all wear our colors like this little guy?

cmk

the vagina monolgues, pt. 1

mr. smerconish-

i will agree this self-imposed 'war on women!' is a HUGE win win for president obama.

now you have to agree with me president obama did a disingeuous cannonball into the catholic church's aspersorium, ok?

good. balance is always good.

and doesn't aspersorium sounds a whole lot like ricksantorum?

weird.

as much as no one wants to talk about romneys' post-political career as the potential reigning king of a terrestrial universe, those very same people line up like congregants on sunday with their mouths open wide waiting for a priest to slip a little jesus on their tongues, to beat the catholic crap out of rick santorum.

 (this requires a genuflect, but a tingle works just as well)

while mitt romney was hell-bent on proving he really, really does have human dna, santorum continued to baffle america with his somewhat perplexing, yet undeniably steady increase in delegate support.

santorum was even winning iowa after he lost iowa.

someone stop the misogynist train!!

the solution was obvious - president obama needed to open a can of davinci code and pour some whoop ass on santorum's dogma.

can't touch this...

i will give credit where credit is due.

nothing  fans a national flame like the following two sparks:

1. the federal government stepping on the sovereignty of churches

2. pissing off the vagina

almost symphonic, the white house and mainstream media orchestrated a political dialogue that by all appearances focuses on mitt romneys' uncanny ability to shed brain cells every time he opens his grit-lovin' pie hole.

and if santorum has his way, he will rip your uterus right out of your vagina and force his wife to clean floors with it.

very cunning.

but then president obama is a leo.

so is bill clinton.

and the leo is cunning, but not necessarily cunnilingus.

ck