timothy leary made me do it

 

timothy leary

about 5 years ago, i experienced an event so life altering that i credit this exact moment for a level of awareness that was previously unbeknownst to me.

i have vivid memories of my bedtime routine going way way back. my mom or dad would read, 'mr. pines mixed-up signs', turn on my nightlight - mary mary, mother goose's contrary gardener, watering a christmas tree light posing as a tulip in her garden, lovingly lit up every night to ensure my safety. as my parent's left the room, they pulled my door closed, OMG! NOT ALL THE WAY!!! and went off to grown-up world by way of the den.
night night, cathe.
i am pretty sure i was conditioned to fear bedtime due to the sadistic prayer my parents insisted i repeat nightly just before i climbed into bed. i climbed in with fingers crossed, and in my head  recited a silent p.s. for the lord-
p.s. - i am really NOT comfortable with the whole, "if i die before i wake" thing. that would make me mad. it really doesn't matter to me what you take or do with my soul. i'm just not happy about dying in my sleep. if you can keep this just between the two of us, it will give my mom's soul a little peace.
thanks.

once i was left alone in my room, my head immediately began to fill with thoughts of dying, so i would spend hours occupying myself to keep twisted thoughts of jesus killing little girls in their sleep at bay. i would read a books, color, hang out with my barbies, and feed my pet turtle an extra flake or two  just in case i did actually die, at least he wouldn't go hungry until somebody discovered my dead little body. i am pretty sure i have been completely sleep deprived since i was four.
suffice to say, i have always been uncomfortable with death. my death, your death, parental death, pet death. there is no good death in my book.
so on to the event...
since we just met, i won't reveal every secret. not yet, anyway.
all i will say is, the teeny little bit of cherokee in my bloodline reared a feathery headdress and i pulled a jim morrison.
for whatever reason, my "experience" was facing my death full-on, balls to the wall, death.
i was being cheered on by the people i loved the most, and told "it's your time. just let go." but i wouldn't. i would step out the line so the grim reaper couldn't see me. and someone kept shoving me back into the deathline - think will smith and eva mendez dancing as the 'hitch' credits roll. it was exactly like that.
and it would come to my turn to step up and die, and i fought it and fought it, until the whole "thing" was over, and i "woke up" finding myself squeezed in between the rear window and the back seat of a hot car with king crimson playing trippy on the old alpine.
i was drenched in sweat, my heart was pounding like never before, and it was the scariest, most enlightening thing i ever experienced.
i am also confident i will never do this again. i was that scared of what i experienced. however, while i do not advocate anything i do for all, what i gleaned from it has been invaluable.
i learned every morning when i wake up i am dying. everything i do is on a path to my eventual demise. so i must make every morning count, i must make the effort to live my life to the utmost and not sit around asking stupid questions and thinking negative thoughts.
this was the first day of a new me.
and while death still irks the shit out of me, i have come to accept there is a block of time we are given to get shit done.
my experience, judged good or bad, has made me aware i have limited time and i should use it wisely.
be well
peas out
cmk

p.s. please follow what follows this page on the page titled, 'a year of dangerous living: beginnings'. this page will no longer be updated. ty